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Our History

When you had your first crush I was the first to know.
We told each other things we told no one else.
You are the only living soul I confessed my darkest deed to.
Although even then you didn’t understand fully.
But maybe that was because once again I couldn’t bring myself to tell the whole truth.
I trusted you honey.
More than I trusted anyone else in the whole world.

But things are different now.

I admired you
You had all the talents that I was proud of.
You were like me but superized.
You were Our champion,
The very thing that proved Their opinion of us wrong.
You were so beautiful.

But things are different now.

Looking around now I’ve taken the role you left
Would it be vain and self assuming to call myself our champion?
Maybe you are the only one who remembers what I was like before

Because I was different once, so different it is difficult to believe.
Less Dominant (but dominant is not the right word).
Less Self-assertive (but again this word doesn’t cut it).
There are two people who can possibly remember this.
I’m pretty sure the other one doesn’t but what about you?
I was submissive towards you two, but because of my nature not because of my decision.
That me is an alien to me now.

You were always the braver, more confident of us two.
You always had the upper hand.
But things are different now.

Although you try to deny it I know we were both fascinated by Her.
She was being something we didn’t know it was possible to be.
She entranced us; she pulled us in.
And together the three of us relived our childhood,
Created new identities for ourselves,
Explored and experienced things we never had before and never will again.
It was wonderful.
I wished those times could have lasted forever.
I loved you two more than I loved anyone else in the world.
We were such Kindreds.

O God O GOD how things are different now.

Maybe it was you who gave me my confidence.
Maybe it was you who made me more dominant (but dominant is not the right word).
Maybe was you who made me more assertive (but again assertive doesn’t cut it).
There is no doubt that you were one of the ones who moulded my malleable personality.
And made me who I am.
But not just by good example.

“You live long enough to see your friends betray you.”

You did the deed that you condemned so many others for doing.
After all we had done for each other,
You ditched me. You cast me off like I was nothing to you.
I know I wasn’t always nothing.
You tainted an experience that could have been so pure, so happy.
You made me cry those days and those nights.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt such sadness as I did then.

Then there was the first mini apology but things only got worse.

By the day you got sourer and uglier.
You actually wanted so twist yourself into something horrible.
Then that evening you made fun of me
Again like I was nothing.
I had gone from your soul mate to your prey,
A thing to play with that was fun to hurt.
O God how you hurt me!
I hated you that night and I had never hated you before.
I was changing and I had already come a long way.
I was more like my current self than the naive creature entranced by Her,
Or the me when you first betrayed me.
I had not thought myself a victim for some time.
The pain one feels when a concept one has of one’s self is shattered is a difficult pain to bear.

You came to me with an apology a while after that.
You said you felt guilty and wanted us to be good mates again.
And maybe the fault for the next tragedy in this tale is mine.

Maybe I’m to blame because maybe I couldn’t forgive you.
Even though I had loved you so much and would give almost anything to have things back to the way they were before.
Maybe it was because, although there was no longer any ill feeling between us
(We had forgiven each other, you for your betrayal and me for making things messy, which I always seem to do).
We were two different people.
We had gone different ways.

And I’m tempted to believe the latter theory.

You take your path and I’ll take mine.
You made my choice and I made mine.
And now things are different.
Because we are different.
You may be a nice person.
I (despite all evidence to the contrary) may be a nice person.
But until either you or I change our friendship cannot be how it once was.

You may have had your apologies.
Your twinges of regret.
(You once said to me “We were once such good mates but now I feel like I don’t know you anymore.” And how right you are honey, how right you are.)
You may no longer be ugly and sour (but then again you may),
But I have a feeling it is too late to change.
(Maybe that feeling is where I am at fault).
But if you do I hope I can welcome you back with open arms.

So many thoughts and feelings towards you have become poems in my head.
But none of them have been put to paper until now.

Something becomes so much more real when you write it down.

You once said to me as you gave Her a gift:
“This is a going away present, going away as a friend.”
I gave you your going away present a while ago.
I said goodbye when I got to the stage when I could wish you well.
Whatever choice you make I will always wish you well.
Because I can’t deny how much I once cared about you.
What do you deny?
I don’t know how much of “Our history is reinvented and under rug swept.”
I don’t know how much of “Your memory is selective and tends to forget.”
But all of this is more obvious than either you or I think.

So I will be polite.
I will be friendly even though you are not the friend I once knew.
I will joke and laugh with you and offer you every kindness.
And maybe things will improve between us even if they can’t be the same.

And that is how things are now.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?